The Tao of Me

When the kids were babies I bought two of those little school house frames to put their school pictures in each year until it’s full.

I thought they were so cool, and couldn’t stop myself from fantasizing about how each picture for each child would show such a beautiful progression from year to year. In theory that’s how it’s supposed to work, right? Cute little school pictures, all so generic, showing these angel babies becoming more mature and stunning with each year until their 18 year old selves positively beam from the last picture.

Well, we took the kids out of school after 2nd and 3rd grade. I actually had a couple of weird minutes there while I had a mini attack of lost future nostalgia. What about the school frames??? Have I ruined our future “memory wall” that all grandparents are required by federal law to have? Should I just leave the rest of the slots empty? That would be weird, right? People might think they had died, yikes! What should I do?

My brain activated after a few short seconds, thankfully. I am a photo hog. I can’t stop myself from documenting every event and trip we participate in with my camera. Thank goodness for digital cameras because my house was slowly filling up with packets of 4×6 glossies before the kids were even 5 years old. Now we just spend about a half an hour each fall choosing the best picture of each child, usually taken in October, to crop and print for the schoolhouse frame. All is right with the world.

It got me thinking though. I had a happy little “school life” picture in my head. I had assumed a lot with those frames. What if one of them had been held back a year? What if one dropped out of high school? The happy little school house frames don’t allow for those possibilities. There are only 13 slots. Before we decided to homeschool, and then learned about unschooling, we would have been so disappointed. We would have seen this as a failure, almost insurmountable. Something to talk to other parents about while we frowned and shook our heads. Now I still think those things would have been a miserable failure, but our failure. The school, and us as parents, failing to really look at my child and see them for who they are, and can be, without interference and name calling from us.

Now I am really proud that my kids don’t fit the mold of “6th grader” or “5th grader”. They are our Girl and our Boy. Unique, quirky, fun, curious, and fully functioning members of this family. I honestly hope some of their teen pictures leading up to the last slot in the frames are funky and un-generic. Already we’re seeing it and it’s great. The Girl’s 6th picture, the one that would have been for 5th grade, shows her with bright pink streaks in her hair and a big smile with the sun shining on her face. The boy’s most recent picture shows the Delaware River in the background, right where George Washington crossed with his sad little army on Christmas Eve so many years ago. Beats the hell out of those fake, posed shots with the blue splashed background they used to have. The ones where you have to bribe and threaten them to “smile like a normal person!”. Ick.

I think I’ll go up and check on them like I do every night while they’re sleeping. I lay my hands on their heads, and whisper “I love you”. I can’t sleep if I don’t.

Boy: Mom, how are hot dogs made?
Me: In a hot dog factory.
Boy: Who makes them?
Me: Employees at the hot dog factory.
Boy: Ya, but made by what?
Me: The employees!
Boy: No, Mom! What kind of burger are they from?
Me: They’re not burgers.
Boy: Mom! You know, burgers are cows. KFC is chicken. Ham is pig. What are hot dogs?
Me: Dogs.
Boy: Nuh-uh! Come on!
Me: (Trying to decide if he is old enough to hear “lips and assholes”)

After a really great time being had by us at the unschoolers conference in St. Louis, I had some time to think about why it was so good. Lots of time. Lots of time behind the wheel of our little car. For two full days. Nuthin but time. Time to think. With time.

For four days we were surrounded by people who joyfully love their kids. People who actually, genuinely like their kids and want to spend time with them. People who are actively investing time in the persuit of a good, continuing relationship with their kids. I’m not just talking about little kids either. There were many, many teenagers. Most of whom were seen repeatedly to be hugging and smiling at their parents. In front of their friends.

There were 10 year old Yu-Gi-Oh fans, 11 year old artists, 17 year old drummers with long hair, 13 year old semi-famous kids, cheerleaders, singers, babies, preteens, young parents, old parents, husbands, wives and everything in between. Not one single time for 4 days at the conference did I see anyone treat anyone else with anything but respect. It was so…nice.

On Saturday night at the City Museum, it was all brought into focus for me. My roomie (who is great!) and I were standing in the lobby when we saw another mom (non unschooler) grab her young son by the arm and scream at his face that he was to “Stay right here, don’t you walk away from me, you’re not grown!” All while shaking him by the arm hard enough to maybe leave a mark. We both stood there with our mouths open like we’d been splashed with cold water. It was such a shock to see someone be so mean after all the peace we’d been around.

So, it seems more clear to me than ever that this unschooling thing is where I want to be. I think the word “unschooling” is probably not the right word as it brings mental pictures of education. To me, unschooling is more about peace, fun, curiosity, adventure, love, hugs, and genuine family joy than anything else. The learning comes from there, incidentally, but still more profound learning than anything found in school.

It’s life itself, in the best possible way.