divorce « The Tao of Me

What it’s like to start over

February 15, 2009 at 2:31 am (Kids, divorce, let me explain, life is short, separation)

To walk with nearly nothing after 16 years of marriage.

To move into my own house with a sofa, my Jeep, my clothes, my laptop and a handful of books. I still have my Mom’s round mirror, and a set of bowls from my own parents’ wedding. I didn’t want anything else, and it was made clear to me that asking for anything else was out of the question anyway. How dare I think that I could take anything else from him? Any of these “things” that held so much meaning, so many memories for him? Hadn’t I done enough damage? How could I be so heartless to not only abandon him, but take his stuff too?

And then to be criticized for not wanting any of it. How can I be so callous that I don’t care to have this stuff? How can I throw our past away and not want our things? It just proves how cold hearted I am that I didn’t try to take the Christmas ornaments, or the family photos on the walls.

Here in this house I slept on that sofa for weeks before I got a new bed of my own. I had my Mom’s mirror hung on the wall, my daughter had a bed that I bought from my brother in law, and I had a small filing cabinet. Two boxes of kitchen stuff from my apartment, including one box full of a borrowed set of dishes that I had to give back to him because “dammit, those are mine!”.

I bought a whisk yesterday. Such a little thing, just so it’s easier to whip up an omelette now and again, and it got me thinking about how these little things add up.

A desk, a table, a bed, a bookshelf, some chairs, a shower curtain, a can opener, a whisk.

Each small thing brings a new, small reminder that I’m moving on. Little pieces of independence, little pieces of my own decisions, little pieces of control over my own life again, little pieces with new memories being made around them.

I don’t want a lot of stuff, and really this place is very minimal, but it feels new, and free, and calm, and mine. I love when my kids are here with me, and I feel like the parent I intended to be. I know I’m not always doing it right, and I have such a hard time with parenting them through this tug-of-war, but these little pieces of a new life are still good. There are so many things that have gotten better. Layer after layer of the old life peels away every day, and I didn’t even realize how many layers had piled on.

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Sea World, San Antonio, TX

September 10, 2007 at 3:57 am (Kids, My new life, Texas, divorce, quantum leaps)

When we lived in Southern CA we had annual passes to Sea World. The kids loved it and we found time to make the 90 minute drive down there at least once a month. We’ve lived here in Houston for a year and a half now and had not made it to San Antonio yet. With a 3 day holiday weekend available, I picked up the kids Friday night and we headed out on Saturday morning. My poor night owl children were not thrilled with their 5:30am wake up call, but they could sleep in the car during the 3 hour drive.

We headed straight to Sea World and spent most of the day there. By about 3pm the kids were wiped out, and we had all weekend to come back to the park, so we headed to the hotel to check in, take a break then go out to dinner. That was the plan anyway.

Poor Bryce was asleep before we left the parking lot. Drooping in his seat, mouth open and drooling kind of sleep. That was one tired boy. We made it to the hotel and got settled quickly, and once we stopped being creeped out by the six million crickets all over the place we relaxed for a while to watch a movie. We woke up about 8 hours later at midnight. All three of us crashed! So much for dinner out. We raided the cooler full of snacks, watched another movie and slept the rest of the night.

Sunday had us at Sea World again where I was forced to ride the big roller coasters by myself since my bravest of children chickened out at the last minute. Bryce was so sure he wanted to ride the suspended coaster, and so excited to do it until he actually got through the line and up for his turn. Nope. Not happening. So, a little solo thrill ride for me. No way was I going to miss my first chance to ride a suspended coaster, and it was just as much fun as I thought it would be. So fun, I did it twice. The kids got pictures of me the second time.

We spent the rest of the day seeing all the shows, with “Viva” being the favorite. It’s a Cirque Du Soleil type of show with beluga whales and dolphins. The hilarious clown was the best part. Bryce loved the water ski show, and we always like the seal/sea lion show.

We spent Sunday night touring the River Walk, which was really cool all lit up at night. Salem especially wants to go back during Christmas time to see all the Christmas lights up. The best part of the River Walk for us was the boat ride. Our tour guide was great and told us a lot about the history of the river, which was good for us because as non-Texans, we didn’t have a clue.

Monday morning we found an IHOP for breakfast and headed to the Alamo. We were told by our river boat guide to see the Imax movie about the Alamo first, then tour the site. In my opinion, that was a huge waste of time. I’m used to Imax films being really full of information and great photography. I think this one was made by high school film students with their dad’s old camera and a bad script. Anyway, the grounds of the Alamo are really beautiful and I’m glad we went. Next time though we’ll do our own research and find out more about the history and events on our own so we really know what we’re looking at.

Bryce’s favorite part? Across the street from the Alamo is a “House of Mirrors“. We got lost in there for quite some time. It’s especially difficult when you’re alone!

The drive home was quiet as Bryce was asleep and Salem was engrossed in Harry Potter. The three hour drive turned into 5 with heavy rain, but it was an easy drive and we made it home before dark.

I loved the weekend with the kids. It was really relaxed and fun, and we had a lot of time to talk, which we needed. It was a little weird to do a family trip with just the three of us, but we’re working this whole new situation out slowly and trying our best to figure it out. I’m glad we went. One day and one weekend at a time, we’ll keep trying.

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Free Range Divorce

August 13, 2007 at 8:57 am (divorce)

That’s all I have to say about that.

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High wire

July 17, 2007 at 6:04 am (divorce)

Balance is different from level-headedness. It includes level-headedness, but it includes everything, including sometimes letting your emotions get the best of you. Whatever life brings, take it at face value. Let yourself experience it without judgment, at least initially. That comes after.
–miles levin

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